THE MURDER OF JACOB

Foreword by Jacob Ind

When this book was still in the draft process I made sure to get a copy of the manuscript to make sure that it is as factual as it could be. To what I can personally vouch for it is completely true, though I cannot say I'm 100% positive that the events I didn't witness with my own eyes are true. I trust that they are. I am adamant that only the absolute truth be told by me or anybody who speaks for me. Lies, deceptions and distortions can only do harm but the truth will "set me free." I am not concerned that the truth may condemn me. This life isn't what's important. If the complete truth is known and I don't find physical freedom I'll know that it is my purpose to be here in physical prison and I'll work my whole life to fulfil that purpose...

I honestly can't say whether or not I'd react the same way if I could go back in time (to December 17, 1992.). Thank God I can't, and thank God I'll never be placed in a situation or environment that I was raised in again. But I want to make one thing clear. I am not a victim. Sure, my childhood sucked. Being raped and forced to perform sex on my mom and Kermode sucked. Being beaten sucked. But what does wallowing in grief and self pity accomplish? I see people all the time on talk shows with "poor me" syndrome. Their victimization feeds them. They peel the scabs so the wounds won't heal. I don't want to be pitied. Understood would be a closer word but still inadequate. If it was up to me the stories of abuse wouldn't be well known. That's not something that feels good for it to be known. But unfortunately it is necessary to expose if I don't want to die in a cesspool of iniquity (prison)...

Prison isn't that bad though. I have freedoms and have found happiness and growth. The hardest part about prison is sticking with God and staying on His path in the midst of constant unyielding temptation. It seems as if the longer I'm here the harder it gets to stay half way godly. My faith carries me but when I stumble, I hit hard. When I eventually get out (I believe I will one day) I will be a strong man of God so these are the times I should be thankful for. If I am freed, I plan to start my own contracting/restoration business, hopefully with my dad if he's still alive. Prison has drawn me closer to him and let me see who my true friends and family are. I also want a wife, kids and a normal life. I just hope that God has that planned for my life.

I know most likely there aren't any kids who are in a situation like I was who are reading this but in case there are, I have to say this. I know that no matter what, you're going to do what you're going to do. Still, think about your actions seriously--whether it's to continue your silence, escape into drugs, run away, or even suicide or killing--consider your options. Go to somebody. Try every way to get out of the situation without doing something stupid that's going to hurt you or perpetuate the problem.

For those of you who've lived through it, there's only one way to be completely healed and able to get on with your life. It's not through mental health. Nor is the solution within you. It's Jesus, the Ultimate Healer. He can and wants to heal all the pain and hurt that's deep within you. All you've got to do is receive the free gift He's offering. Ask for it and you'll receive it.

I'm not sure what it is that I want this book to accomplish but it just seems right that it should be written. Maybe somebody's life will be touched. Maybe it'll shed some light upon the problem of child abuse. Maybe people will learn that the worst possible thing you can do to your children is to be verbally and emotionally cruel to them. Whatever this does, I just hope it does God's work and I must thank him for giving me such a dear and close friend, Mary Ellen, who would take the time, effort and (have the) courage to stick by me. Thank you God, thank you Mary Ellen and I thank my friends and family who have supported me.


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THE MURDER OF JACOB. Copyright 1997 by Mary Ellen Johnson. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or review. For information, contact Voices Publishing, 743 Gold Hill Place, Suite 243, P.O. Box 220, Woodland Park, CO 80866-0220.

ISBN 0-9655668-0-3 First Edition/February 1997.

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Last modified 14 Feb 2003